I just wanted to write something today. I have no idea where I am at spiritually but mentally and emotionally I am spent. I've been drinking again. I got myself involved with this crazy Iraqi girl who told me all types of crazy things about my ex. I think she is just trying to make me stop thinking about her so I will like her. I don't trust her but I find myself with her because I have nothing better to do and I am lonely. My ex supposedly got married. I got drunk and sent her a crazy email about how I still love her even though she is a liar. I really think I am crazy.
I still think about being a Muslim sometimes but I am scared and unsure. I like some things about it but I don't like some other things. My two roommates are Egyptian Christians and they tell me how they are treated badly by the Muslims back home. I feel like they wouldn't like me anymore if I became a Muslim. Also, my friends and family would not be happy either. The funny thing is, I find myself always attracted to Muslim girls now.....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Pearls before swine....
I just read one of the best books on religion I have ever come across. It is called The Transcendent Unity of Religions by a man named Frithjof Schuon (1907-1998). In a nutshell, it states that all the revealed religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism) are all valid paths to God which were sent to different peoples at different times and for different reasons. According to Schuon's philosophy, God intentionally created the different religions to fit the spiritual temperaments of the different civilizations throughout the world. That being said, this is not a touchy-feely, we are all the same type of book either. According to Schuon, the separation of religious civilizations is God inspired and necessary to maintain purity and effectiveness. Of course it is a bit more complicated than that but that is a concise summary.
The book is quite difficult as Schuon's language is extremely dense and his knowledge level is incredibly high. I had trouble following at times but it was so engaging and insightful that I couldn't put it down. Schuon was a member of the so-called Perennialist School and his knowledge of the all the religions in question is remarkable. Both "fundamentalists" and "progressives" will probably find something to disagree with but if you are a spiritual person with an open mind, this will no doubt be a rewarding experience.
Transcendent Unity of Religions
The book is quite difficult as Schuon's language is extremely dense and his knowledge level is incredibly high. I had trouble following at times but it was so engaging and insightful that I couldn't put it down. Schuon was a member of the so-called Perennialist School and his knowledge of the all the religions in question is remarkable. Both "fundamentalists" and "progressives" will probably find something to disagree with but if you are a spiritual person with an open mind, this will no doubt be a rewarding experience.
Jar of Hearts
Really feeling this song.....it provokes a deeply emotional response, probably because I just had my heart broken....and it's not another one of those shallow pop songs....
Sunday, February 20, 2011
If You Only Knew
If you only knew
what I was really like
you wouldn't like me
you would certainly spite me
maybe even want to fight me
that's why I keep it locked up tightly
until I get my head on rightly
I pray nightly
but relief is temporary
life is scary
when you can't stop being wary
thoughts racing a mile a minute
violent urges threatening to overtake me any minute
I could use help but I'm too proud to ask
life is hard when you live it behind a mask
shame and guilt
where did I go wrong
but I won't stop searching until I find where I belong...
what I was really like
you wouldn't like me
you would certainly spite me
maybe even want to fight me
that's why I keep it locked up tightly
until I get my head on rightly
I pray nightly
but relief is temporary
life is scary
when you can't stop being wary
thoughts racing a mile a minute
violent urges threatening to overtake me any minute
I could use help but I'm too proud to ask
life is hard when you live it behind a mask
shame and guilt
where did I go wrong
but I won't stop searching until I find where I belong...
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Road to Mecca
I am currently reading the book The Road to Mecca by Muhammad Asad and it is quite fascinating. Asad was born as a Jew in early 20th century Austria-Hungary and during his work as a journalist he travelled extensively throughout the Muslim world. He subsequently fell in love with Arab culture and converted to Islam. His dissatisfaction with Western society is something that precedes his Middle Eastern journeys, only he never suspected where this would ultimately lead him.
"I was not unhappy: but my inability to share the diverse social, economic and political hopes of those around me-of any group among them-grew in time into a vague sense of not quite belonging to them, accompanied, vaguely again, by a desire to belong-to whom? - to be a part of something- of what?"
His personal insights strike a chord with me greatly, and I find myself significantly relating on an intellectual and emotional level. Coming from a Jewish background, it is not remarkable that Asad (formerly Leopold Weiss) would feel alienated from European society and feel an affinity for Arabia. After all, Jews and Arabs are both of Semitic stock and Abraham was originally from Ur in current day Iraq. That's where my differences come in. I am an American of North European background and thus while I find this story and this culture appealing, at the same time it is completely foreign to me. Nevertheless it is an enlightening read.
"I was not unhappy: but my inability to share the diverse social, economic and political hopes of those around me-of any group among them-grew in time into a vague sense of not quite belonging to them, accompanied, vaguely again, by a desire to belong-to whom? - to be a part of something- of what?"
His personal insights strike a chord with me greatly, and I find myself significantly relating on an intellectual and emotional level. Coming from a Jewish background, it is not remarkable that Asad (formerly Leopold Weiss) would feel alienated from European society and feel an affinity for Arabia. After all, Jews and Arabs are both of Semitic stock and Abraham was originally from Ur in current day Iraq. That's where my differences come in. I am an American of North European background and thus while I find this story and this culture appealing, at the same time it is completely foreign to me. Nevertheless it is an enlightening read.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Believer
This is one of my favorite movies. It may be a bit disturbing for some but it's a great story about struggling with faith and identity. It's loosely based on a true story.
An Introduction
Might as well get down to it. I created this blog for two reasons; 1) I just wanted a place to vent my thoughts and feelings in the hopes there are others out there that can relate. 2) To document and enable my quest to find God.
A little about me.....I am a man in my early thirties from upstate New York. I was born and raised Catholic although have been quite irreligious for the better part of the last decade. I've always been a bit crazy and throughout my teens and early twenties I struggled with drugs, alcohol, promiscuity etc. I suppose you could say that I've always had a sort of emptiness inside and a complete lack of direction and purpose in life. Sometimes I see religious people or religious movies and this life appeals to me but I am very stubborn and stuck in my ways. Frankly, American Christianity has turned me off because it seems so shallow and superficial. I am attracted to religious ways of the Middle East in this regard.
I am recently coming off of a divorce and a subsequent broken engagement all in the last year. In fact, my ex-fiance is partially responsible for setting in motion this journey of mine. You see, this sweet girl who I fell in love with is a Muslim. I was prepared to convert to Islam in order to marry her but when she recently broke it off I was forced to reconsider everything. Nevertheless, I am still studying Islam, thinking perhaps God brought her into my life for a reason. I am very confused though. I'm still not sure if this religion is for me and I am willing to hear about others as well. So, that's where I am at and where I'm coming from. Welcome to my blog.
A little about me.....I am a man in my early thirties from upstate New York. I was born and raised Catholic although have been quite irreligious for the better part of the last decade. I've always been a bit crazy and throughout my teens and early twenties I struggled with drugs, alcohol, promiscuity etc. I suppose you could say that I've always had a sort of emptiness inside and a complete lack of direction and purpose in life. Sometimes I see religious people or religious movies and this life appeals to me but I am very stubborn and stuck in my ways. Frankly, American Christianity has turned me off because it seems so shallow and superficial. I am attracted to religious ways of the Middle East in this regard.
I am recently coming off of a divorce and a subsequent broken engagement all in the last year. In fact, my ex-fiance is partially responsible for setting in motion this journey of mine. You see, this sweet girl who I fell in love with is a Muslim. I was prepared to convert to Islam in order to marry her but when she recently broke it off I was forced to reconsider everything. Nevertheless, I am still studying Islam, thinking perhaps God brought her into my life for a reason. I am very confused though. I'm still not sure if this religion is for me and I am willing to hear about others as well. So, that's where I am at and where I'm coming from. Welcome to my blog.
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