If You Only Knew

If you only knew
what I was really like
you wouldn't like me
you would certainly spite me
maybe even want to fight me
that's why I keep it locked up tightly
until I get my head on rightly
I pray nightly
but relief is temporary
life is scary
when you can't stop being wary
thoughts racing a mile a minute
violent urges threatening to overtake me any minute
I could use help but I'm too proud to ask
life is hard when you live it behind a mask
shame and guilt
where did I go wrong
but I won't stop searching until I find where I belong...

The Road to Mecca

I am currently reading the book The Road to Mecca by Muhammad Asad and it is quite fascinating. Asad was born as a Jew in early 20th century Austria-Hungary and during his work as a journalist he travelled extensively throughout the Muslim world. He subsequently fell in love with Arab culture and converted to Islam. His dissatisfaction with Western society is something that precedes his Middle Eastern journeys, only he never suspected where this would ultimately lead him. 

"I was not unhappy: but my inability to share the diverse social, economic and political hopes of those around me-of any group among them-grew in time into a vague sense of not quite belonging to them, accompanied, vaguely again, by a desire to belong-to whom? - to be a part of something- of what?"

His personal insights strike a chord with me greatly, and I find myself significantly relating on an intellectual and emotional level. Coming from a Jewish background, it is not remarkable that Asad (formerly Leopold Weiss) would feel alienated from European society and feel an affinity for Arabia. After all, Jews and Arabs are both of Semitic stock and Abraham was originally from Ur in current day Iraq. That's where my differences come in. I am an American of North European background and thus while I find this story and this culture appealing, at the same time it is completely foreign to me. Nevertheless it is an enlightening read.

The Believer

This is one of my favorite movies. It may be a bit disturbing for some but it's a great story about struggling with faith and identity. It's loosely based on a true story.

An Introduction

Might as well get down to it. I created this blog for two reasons; 1) I just wanted a place to vent my thoughts and feelings in the hopes there are others out there that can relate. 2) To document and enable my quest to find God.

A little about me.....I am a man in my early thirties from upstate New York. I was born and raised Catholic although have been quite irreligious for the better part of the last decade. I've always been a bit crazy and throughout my teens and early twenties I struggled with drugs, alcohol, promiscuity etc. I suppose you could say that I've always had a sort of emptiness inside and a complete lack of direction and purpose in life. Sometimes I see religious people or religious movies and this life appeals to me but I am very stubborn and stuck in my ways. Frankly, American Christianity has turned me off because it seems so shallow and superficial. I am attracted to religious ways of the Middle East in this regard.

I am recently coming off of a divorce and a subsequent broken engagement all in the last year. In fact, my ex-fiance is partially responsible for setting in motion this journey of mine. You see, this sweet girl who I fell in love with is a Muslim. I was prepared to convert to Islam in order to marry her but when she recently broke it off I was forced to reconsider everything. Nevertheless, I am still studying Islam, thinking perhaps God brought her into my life for a reason. I am very confused though. I'm still not sure if this religion is for me and I am willing to hear about others as well. So, that's where I am at and where I'm coming from. Welcome to my blog.